Restless

I am prone to restlessness. And so, just a few short months after joining the blogging world, I am compelled to change it all around. So here is my new blog on wordpress:

http://ambarbee.wordpress.com

Video Junkie

It's official, I am becoming a video junkie.  I absolutely LOVE making videos!  You tell me you want me to video an event, my mind immediately starts brainstorming, thinking of different shots that I want to capture, different angles that I could shoot from, all the way to the final product, what music to use, how to organize the final product, what transitions to use between clips.  I'm a little bit insane about it, actually.  

This past weekend the women at my church back home did their own version of the Amazing Race.  At the last minute, my mom asked me to come home and be one of the videographers for the event.  I didn't think much about it beforehand, but as soon as I had that camera in my hand, the ideas started flowing.  I started thinking about how I was going to put the final video together, and I made each of the teams introduce themselves to the camera, I started thinking about what shots could show that it wasn't just a game but a community-building activity, I was a busy bee of activity, trying to get as many different angles as I could.  I was assigned to be at one leg of the race where they had to row a boat around a small pond, and before each team got there, I envisioned in my head how many different places around the pond I could shoot from, and thought of creative ways to capture what each team did, so that all of them didn't end up looking the same.  I ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT!!!!  

Man, I wish I was rich and could buy a video camera and some good editing equipment.  Sigh...

My Greatest Need

Small Enough

Nicole Nordeman

Oh, Great God, be small enough to hear me now.  

There were times when I was crying from the dark of Daniel's den;

and I have asked you once or twice if you could part the sea again.

But tonight I do not need a fiery pillar in the sky.

Just want to know you're gonna hold me if I start to cry.

Oh Great God, be small enough to hear me now.

Oh Great God, be close enough to feel you now.

There have been moments when I could not face Goliath on my own. 

And how could I forget we've marched around our share of Jerichos.

But I will not be setting out a fleece for you tonight.

Just want to know that everything will be alright.

Oh, Great God, be close enough to feel you now.

All praise and all the honor be to the God of ancient mysteries

Whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history

But tonight my heart is heavy, and I cannot keep from whispering this prayer:

Are you there?

And I know you could leave writing on the wall that's just for me.

Or send wisdom while I'm sleeping, like in Solomon's sweet dreams.

But I don't need the strength of Samson, or a chariot in the end.

Just want to know that you still know how many hairs are on my head.

Oh Great God, be small enough to hear me now.  

God's Answer

So, I've started reading Exodus 6, and this is God's response to Moses:

"Then the Lord said to Moses, 'Now you will see what I will do to Pharaoh:  Because of my mighty hand he will let them go; because of my mighty hand he will drive them out of his country.'

God also said to Moses, 'I am the LORD.  I appeared to Abraham, to Isaac and to Jacob as God Almighty, but my name the LORD I did not make myself known to them.  I also established my covenant with them to give them the land of Canaan, where they lived as aliens.  Moreover, I have heard the groaning of the Israelites, whom the Egyptians are enslaving, and I have remembered my covenant. 

'Therefore, say to the Israelites: "I am the LORD, and I will bring you out from under the yoke of the Egyptians.  I will free you from being slaves to them, and I will redeem you with an outstretched arm and with mighty acts of judgement.  I will take you as my own people, and I will be your God.  Then you will know that I am the LORD your God, who brought you out from under the yoke of the Egyptians.  And I will bring you to the land I swore with uplifted hand to give to Abraham, to Isaac and to Jacob.  I will give it to you as a possession.  I am the LORD.'"

-- Exodus 6:1-8

As usual, God is pretty long-winded.  Haha.  Moses asks a 2 sentence question, God gives a 12 sentence response.  Typical.

Even though I'm still processing His answer, and what it means for Moses and me, I am willing to concede that it's a pretty powerful answer.  Basically, God is saying "I AM."  His response to Moses' frustration and confusion is a re-iteration of his character, his promises, and his power and desire to bring them to life.  "I AM, therefore..."  

And though I don't know what to do with this response just yet, I have become convinced that it's okay to question God.  That actually, it's more than okay.  He WANTS us to question.  In Isaiah he invites us to reason with him (Isaiah 1:18).  I mean, Moses was a pretty cool dude, and God used him to do some amazing things (come on, he split the red sea, made water come out of a rock, wrote down the Law, and the list goes on...).  But Moses wasn't afraid to ask God the "why" question.  And when the Israelites were in the desert, Moses talked with God, face to face, as a man speaks with his friend (Exodus 33:11).  That's pretty sweet.  And David was definitely real with God.  He expressed his anger to God towards his enemies and asked God lots of "why" questions in the Psalms.  I mean, he danced around in his underwear before the Lord, for goodness sakes... you don't get much more real than that.  I think God longs for us to be real and honest with him.  He sees it all anyway...

More Thoughts on the Exodus

I've been moving along rather slowly through the book of Exodus, and I've stopped at chapter 5.  There's a question that Moses asks at the end of this chapter that is one that I've found myself asking lately:

"O, Lord, why have you brought trouble upon this people?  Is this why you sent me?  Ever since I went to Pharaoh to speak in your name, he has brought trouble upon this people, and you have not rescued your people at all."

Right on, Moses.  Go ahead.  Call God out.  

God had spoken into Moses' brokenness, called him to be a part of rescuing the people of Israel, and the only thing that had been accomplished was the increasing difficulty of their work.  Instead of being freed from their chains, more chains were added.  Understandably, Moses was confused and angry.  He had just been introduced to this new God, who at least claimed to care about His people and had convinced Moses to do crazy things to help free them.  And what did he get in return?  The Israelites threw curses down on him, and the suffering continues.  Some loving, caring God.

In a lot of ways, this is where I am right now.  My whole life, and especially in the last few years, people have been trying to convince me that God loves me and cares about my suffering.  And I have wanted to believe that so badly.  But in light of recent events, recent "boxes" that I've been packing (remember the Moving Day analogy?), I ask the same question as Moses: why?  If you care, then why?  If you love me, then why?  Some of the pieces just don't seem to fit.  

And what's interesting about chapter 5, is that Moses' question is the last verse.  In the NIV, the section is entitled "God Promises Deliverance," but unless you keep reading, the deliverance never comes.  I only printed out the text of that chapter, and haven't moved on yet.  I wonder if God ever directly answers Moses' question.  And I wonder if that answer is enough to satisfy him... or me?  I guess I'll have to let you know when I get around to chapter 6.  

A Different Kind of March Madness

I'm going to be an Aunt!!!!  

Just found out this morning, and I couldn't possibly be more excited!  The little bundle of joy is due in March.  I can't seem to get over the urge to call "it" "she."  Maybe that's a sign.  :)

Perfection Redefined

Whenever I talk about anything in the sense of the grass being greener on the other side, I am always warned to be careful.  "No one's perfect, you know" they say.  But I think that, over the years (I say that as if I'm some wise old woman), I have come to redefine the meaning of perfection.  Here are some of my thoughts on this new definition:

• Perfection isn't never making mistakes, it's owning your humanity and learning from the ones you inevitably make.

• Perfection isn't being perpetually happy, it's a willingness to wade through the not-so-happy times with patience and grace.

• Perfection isn't always being right, it's the willingness to admit when you're wrong.

• Perfection isn't finally reaching the highest of heights, it's having the perseverance to get back up when you fall.

• Perfection isn't always having your priorities straight, it's being open to seeing when you don't, and at least putting yourself on the road to getting them where they need to be.

• Perfection isn't never hurting the people you love, it's being willing to admit when you do and doing everything possible to make it right.  

• Perfection isn't having all together, it's recognizing the beauty in the mess that you are.  

• Perfection isn't having everything you need, it's doing the best you can with the cards you've been dealt.  
  

These things seem like a much more attainable goal than the commonly used definition of perfection.  And for people who at least attempt to "perfect" these characteristics in their lives, I think the grass is, in fact, a little bit greener.